When You Love A Man

(From forthcoming collection entitled: Outside of Honor: Black Motherverse & Queer BlackBoySpeak

when you love a man 
sometimes you love everything he ain’t 
you put the pieces together in your head 
as if a master-builder 
skilled in the art of refining flesh

you bruise your knuckles
on the hard wood of his determination 
and scrape your legs 
on what he dreams about without you

sometimes you find yourself 
reaching into the air for something to hold
knowing the density of his love 
is milk-thin

and when you reach across the bed at midnight
for the safety of something certain
find only the husk of his relation

when you love a man 
you wake up to wanting something
even when you know all too well 
what it is to go to bed empty

his small steps show signs of jesus being real 
but his low-boil is always cooking down

You count the sound of gritting teeth while he sleeps 
and hope you aren’t somewhere between them
and when the lights come on you realize 

when you love a man
and all he refuses to be 
you deprive yourself 

the woman you could have been